In this latest installment of the personal statement workshop, we continue to pull essays submitted from the comments section through our free essay submission process and provide you, and our users, with a more detailed analysis of their essays.
This submission is by Katie, whose life experiences combined with a traumatic injury at the age of 13, are what inspired her to want to become a physician assistant.
We will present you with her original essay and our suggestions.
As always, use this as a guide to see where you can improve your own writing, and respect the work of others. It should go without saying this is not your essay, so don’t plagiarize.
Suggestions and Revisions
By: Sue Edmondson
Note: These are very brief suggestions and revisions offered through our free submissions process in the comments section. For a full-featured edit of your personal statement, please see our paid service offerings.
I like the image of you as a kid watching medical shows on TV, but for purposes of this essay, you’re taking up valuable space that could be used to talk about your healthcare experiences in more detail. When I interviewed Admissions Directors and faculty from across the country, every person said they weren’t interested in hearing childhood experiences. I’d delete the entire first paragraph of your essay.
Your second paragraph is good (skip the brunette in your description of Michelle — it’s a wasted word).
The third paragraph needs editing — it reads well, but it has extra verbiage that has little significance. Remember, the people reading your essay are literally reading more than a thousand so save words where you can. And the word passion is so overused, it’s meaningless. I rarely recommend using it.
This is what I’d do in an edit:
“My interest in medicine persisted. When selecting a college major, I chose Nutritional Sciences because of the strong focus on biological science; it also provided a unique perspective on clinical work and emphasized the critical thinking skills necessary in practice. Despite struggling with a personal crisis during my sophomore year, I was determined not to let one semester mar the academic record I had worked so hard to achieve. I made significant changes and learned how to manage stress in a healthy way. This experience was a critical point of self-exploration, and I am confident it was an important step in preparing me for the rigors of PA school.”
Use the extra space to elaborate a bit more on why you’re choosing to be a PA as opposed to any other health care professional.
Best of luck.
Is your mom or dad really giving you honest feedback on your personal statement?
Parents are full of great advice, but when it comes to your personal statement family and friends don't always make the best editorial team.
We offer a bit of free guidance to anyone who takes the time to submit their essay in the comments section of the blog. But your essay needs more than the sympathetic feedback provided by a friendly relative.
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Here is what one of our recent clients had to say:
We are currently accepting essays in all iterations. We have flexible pricing and can do everything from a single one-time edit to a full-service review that will take you from beginning to a finished product. Hurry, as we can only accept a few essays each month.
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