PA Personal Statement Workshop: Example Essay 4

In this fourth installment of our special week-long personal statement workshop, we continue to pull essays submitted from the comments section through our free essay submission process and provide you, and our users, with a more detailed analysis of their essays.

This fourth submission is by Parn, who immigrated to the United States from Iran at the age of 7 and found a passion for healthcare while attending regular doctors visits with her ailing grandfather. She details her academic experience in college and her time providing in-home health care services for patients with disabilities.

We will present you with her original essay and our suggestions.

As always, use this as a guide to see where you can improve your own writing, and respect the work of others. It should go without saying this is not your essay, so don’t plagiarize.

Essay 4: “I have gained so much experience from working, more than I could have ever imagined.”

By: Parn

Around the age of seven, my family and I moved to the United States from Iran. Around that time my grandfather, who was already here, had a stroke and was in and out of hospitals and doctor offices. I attended those visits with him and my father and, even though I was young and barely spoke English, I was still able to notice the quality of care that my grandfather was provided by the healthcare professionals. I was very intrigued by how the doctors and nurses took such good care of him and just like any young child, I walked around and I would proudly say that I would become a doctor one day!

I knew at a young age I wanted to work in some kind of health career. Throughout my adolescence, I was always attracted to science courses and I would excel in them. I took many health related courses in high school and was privileged to take an Allied Health class where I, along with other students, was able to volunteer in nursing homes and shadow different departments within our local hospital. That was an eye-opening experience and it reassured my passion for the health profession. However, it wasn’t until my freshman year of college that I was introduced to the Physician Assistant field. During my undergraduate at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro (UNCG) I majored in Biology where I took a keen interest into the human based biology courses such Human Anatomy, Cellular Biology, and Biochemistry. I am still very intrigued by how the human body works and even though some concepts are difficult to understand, I am always eager to learn more. I attended many seminars during my undergrad at UNCG about the different careers within the health field, and each time the prospect of becoming a Physician Assistant became more and more appealing!

Within the past two years, I was fortunate enough to acquire a job with a company that provides in-home care for people with disabilities. I was placed with a 13 year old with Rhett’s Syndrome. My job allowed me to provide assistance with the clients everyday routines, such as, aiding with toileting, feeding, showering, and walking. I also worked on specific goals to better the clients cognitive and motor skills. I have gained so much experience from working, more than I could have ever imagined. I have learned so much about myself including the amount of patience and commitment I have to help accommodate her life and make activities of daily living easier on her. Since the client is not able to communicate verbally, I have learned how to depend on other factors such as body language, recognition of differences in her mood from day to day, and coming up with alternate ways to communicate. I have learned what it takes to deal with a person who depends on you for everything, similar to how a patient coming in for a visit depends on their PA for the correct diagnosis and the right treatment. I continue to learn more and more each day I work with her.

Another experience that has helped motivate me to become a PA has been the opportunity to shadow an actual Physician Assistant. I was able to observe the PA interact with her patients and perform examinations. I have gained a lot from that experience. I learned how to interact with different types of patients and I noticed that it takes a lot more than being knowledgeable in medicine to be an effective health provider.

Apart from the typical roles of a PA, I learned from my shadowing experience that a PA needs to be attentive, amicable, and possess interpersonal skills.

Throughout my career as a student and a caregiver, I have learned that along with my alacrity for medicine, I possess qualities that would enhance my role as a Physician Assistant. Most importantly I am a good listener, a quality that is significant in any health profession. I am compassionate for others, and possess a lot of patience. I am prepared to work hard to be the best Physician Assistant I can be, and I look forward for the opportunity to begin the next chapter of my life.

Thanks!!

Suggestions and Revisions

We have provided only basic guidance here in this example.

By: Sue Edmondson (personal statement collaborative)

Hi Parn,

You have a lot of great experience and good writing skills, things many applicants lack. That's gives you a definite edge. However, there are ways to tighten your essay and really make it shine.

You don't need the first paragraph at all. It's so remote in time and such a common occurrence (yes, even moving to the U.S. from Iran or another country, and especially experiences with ailing grandparents), that it's not remarkable enough to include.

The second paragraph is good, but it has a lot of extra words (and a couple used improperly) that make it bulky. By the way, never use exclamation points, and the word "passion" is so overused, it doesn't mean much to Admissions Directors. Take a look at these edited sentences and see if you miss anything:

"I knew at a young age I wanted to work in healthcare. During high school, I excelled in science and was privileged to take an Allied Health class where students volunteered in nursing homes and shadowed different departments at our local hospital. That was an eye-opening experience and reinforced my interest in medicine. As an undergraduate, I majored in Biology, where I took a keen interest in the human-based biology courses. While a freshman, I was introduced to the Physician Assistant field. I had attended many seminars about the different careers within healthcare, and each time the prospect of a career as a Physician Assistant became more appealing."

What I really wanted to know after I read that paragraph is why the prospect of becoming a PA appealed. You didn't say and you should. Admissions Directors want to know specifically why you're choosing the PA profession.

Read your other paragraphs carefully, and see where you've written more than needed. You'll find words to eliminate, I'm sure.

You do a good job of writing about your experience with your patient. Maybe in your PA shadowing experience, a particular case stands out as an example of exemplary PA work. You could write about that.

In your last paragraph, the word alacrity isn't the best choice. You want to emphasize ability, not eagerness.

I hope this helps.

Best of luck.

Sue Edmondson

The Personal Statement Collaborative

At the Physician Assistant personal statement collaborative we work with you beyond a few pieces of advice and a routine spell check. We are a team of professional writers here to make sure your essay reflects your very best work. We will take you from a rough draft or even a few ideas scribbled on a piece of paper to a final, polished essay that reflects your very best work.

We are ready to help, Click here to learn more.

Don't miss a post in this series!

Before you go make sure to sign up for automatic updates from the blog or subscribe with Feedly (my favorite RSS reader). And if you haven't already, sign up for the FREE email newsletter (down below) or connect with me on Facebook or Twitter. I’ll definitely respond, and I look forward to meeting you!

- Stephen

Photo credit: Damon Lynch