In this fifth installment of our special week-long personal statement workshop, we continue to pull essays submitted from the comments section through our free essay submission process and provide you, and our users, with a more thorough analysis of their essays.
This fifth submission is by Jacob. It is a wonderful personal statement detailing his life and experiences, growing as a humanitarian and finding a passion for medicine through his dance and missionary work in an underserved community.
We will present you with her original essay and our suggestions.
As always, use this as a guide to see where you can improve your own writing, and respect the work of others. It should go without saying this is not your essay, so don’t plagiarize.
Suggestions and Revisions
By: Sue Edmondson (personal statement collaborative)
You've certainly accomplished much already. Your compassion and dedication to helping people is evident, and your future patients will benefit greatly.
The essay, though, focuses too much on your Living Legends and mission work. I'll show you a couple of places to cut some of that to leave room to write about your health care related work — hospice, those who are mentally disabled and shadowing. That's what the Admissions Directors and personnel will want to know more about. Put some of the emotions your express in your writing about Living Legends to examples of work with actual patients. It will ground your essay in the reality of life as a health care provider.
You also haven't said why you want to be a PA as opposed to other professions within medicine. You'll need to do that, and one of the best ways is to use a PA/patient case as an example. What did the PA do that impressed you? How was the PA different than other health care providers.
Please never use exclamation points. Your written words should make the point.
Take a look at these edited sentences:
Those are just two examples. You could and should do the same with every paragraph. This will leave you space to add the important information.
Best of luck.
Is my essay good enough?
This is the question I asked myself 12 years ago when I first applied to PA school. Unfortunately, it took me a few rejection letters to realize the answer was a resounding no.
As I have discussed before, it wasn't until I revised my personal statement and found my own unique voice that I was able to turn the admissions committees heads and get the interview.
How do you know if your essay is good enough? The answer is, you don't until you have feedback from the program of your choice and then it may be too late. This can be an expensive and time-consuming process. We can help answer this question for you, and by submitting your best work the first time, we can save you time, frustration, and money in the process.
We are ready to help, Click here to learn more.
Don't miss a post in this series!
I hope you have been enjoying these personal statements. Before you go, make sure to sign up for automatic updates from the blog or subscribe with Feedly (my favorite RSS reader). And if you haven't already, sign up for the FREE email newsletter (down below) or connect with me on Facebook or Twitter. I’ll definitely respond, and I look forward to meeting you!
Photo credit: Dawn Kish
View all posts in this series
- How to Write the Perfect Physician Assistant School Application Essay
- The Physician Assistant Essay and Personal Statement Collaborative
- Do You Recognize These 7 Common Mistakes in Your Personal Statement?
- 7 Essays in 7 Days: PA Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 1, “A PA Changed My Life”
- PA Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 2, “I Want to Move Towards the Forefront of Patient Care”
- PA Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 3, “She Smiled, Said “Gracias!” and Gave me a Big Hug”
- PA Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 4, “I Have Gained so Much Experience by Working With Patients”
- PA Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 5, “Then Reach, my Son, and Lift Your People up With You”
- PA Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 6, “That First Day in Surgery was the First Day of the Rest of my Life”
- PA Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 7, “I Want to Take People From Dying to Living, I Want to Get Them Down From the Cliff.”
- Physician Assistant Personal Statement Workshop: “To say I was an accident-prone child is an understatement”
- 9 Simple Steps to Avoid Silly Spelling and Grammar Goofs in Your PA School Personel Statement
- 5 Tips to Get you Started on Your Personal Essay (and why you should do it now)
- How to Write Your Physician Assistant Personal Statement The Book!
- How to Write “Physician Assistant” The PA Grammar Guide
- 101 PA School Admissions Essays: The Book!
- 5 Things I’ve Learned Going Into My Fourth Physician Assistant Application Cycle
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