PA Personal Statement Editing Workshop: Essay Seven

In this seventh (and final) installment of our special week-long personal statement workshop, we continue to pull essays submitted from the comments section through our free essay submission process and provide you, and our users, with a more detailed analysis of their essays.

This seventh submission is by Jordan and is a real cliffhanger. Jordan, a rock climber, finds himself on the edge of a cliff both in the Canadian Rockies and while facing the diagnosis of a pulmonary embolism in his wife who is 6 months pregnant. At the edge of his rope, he finds solace in the medical team that saves her life. In a matter of time, his purpose becomes clear: "I want to treat and care for patients. I want to change lives. I want to take people from dying to living. I want to get them down from the cliff."

We will present you with his original essay and our suggestions.

As always, use this as a guide to see where you can improve your own writing, and respect the work of others. It should go without saying this is not your essay, so don’t plagiarize.

Essay 7: “I Want to Take People From Dying to Living, I Want to Get Them Down From the Cliff”

By: Jordan

So here is my first draft. I know it lacks some cohesion and can certainly be tidied up but I mostly want to know if I am first, headed in the right direction and second, where I should go from here. Thanks

When I looked down all I could see were dark clouds sweeping up the valley like a tsunami of cold and rain; bad news for two rock climbers a thousand feet off the ground in the Canadian Rockies. Decision time. Do we risk the weather and try to finish the last 500 feet to the summit or do we pack it in and rappel down 5 hours work climbing up Ha Ling Peak with little chance of attempting the climb again. We argued for too long and soon realized we were now subject to the whims of the fickle spring weather in the Rockies. We headed down in the cold and the wet, wishing we had left sooner. While in the uncomfortable embrace of disappointment and a climbing harness, I had no idea that this moment would set the foundation on which I would decide to become a Physician Assistant (PA). I thought to myself, If I can change a life, even just one, how many others will benefit as a result? Each decision we make has a ripple effect that changes not only our lives but also the lives of people around us.

Several years later I found myself stuck on the side of a very different cliff. My wife, who was 6 months pregnant, had developed bilateral pulmonary emboli (PE). It was uncommon for me to find her with tears in her eyes but one Sunday night she woke me up and while struggling to breath, told me that she couldn’t lie down because her back hurt too much. Frightened and unsure what to do, I did my best to diagnose the problem. I had been trained as an EMT but that provided only a little help under such circumstances. I was suspicious that she had developed a PE but her legs showed no signs of deep vein thrombosis. We made the decision to visit the emergency department and after many hours and many tests, the diagnosis was confirmed and treatment began. It was exactly one week later that my wife called me from work with identical symptoms. At this point I had learned much more about PEs and according to the statistics, I became fairly certain I would soon have to say goodbye to my dear wife. I distinctly remember this terrible, wrenching feeling in my gut, the kind you get when your big brother punches you for being his little brother. Never in my life had I a wished that I could do more for a person than at that moment. I didn’t have to say goodbye. The doctors and PAs changed her life. They took her from dying to living. They got her down from the cliff.

It certainly wasn’t a light bulb moment. In fact, I had decided I wanted to be a PA almost a year prior. At the time I was the director of clinical research for a small industry research company. I worked with patients in nearly all-therapeutic areas and together with our doctors and PAs we did our best to provide comfortable quality care to our patients as we investigated new medications. While my career was going well, I soon recognized that the part of my job I enjoyed most was the time I spent with my patients, conducting interviews, drawing blood, answering questions and providing education. I wanted more of that and while dodging traffic on the way to the ER, I realized that my desire to help my wife was a magnified version of what I had felt with all of my patients. Each interaction we have provides an opportunity for us to react and our reactions can change the lives of countless people even if we just start with one. Getting stuck on a cliff taught me that. I wanted desperately to finish Ha Ling Peak, but even more I wanted to be safe. I wanted a good professional career, but even more I want to treat and care for patients. I want to change lives. I want to take people from dying to living. I want to get them down from the cliff.

I never finished climbing Ha Ling Peak and finishing was probably never the point. Everyday there are limitless factors that are out of our control that will get us stuck on the cliff. Our job is to react and adapt to those changes in our circumstance. We are all shaped by moments, tiny portions of our everyday lives that form the majority of who we will become. I guess if you put these moments together you might call it experience. Whatever it’s called, my moments have fixed in my mind a determined resolution to become PA.

Suggestions and Revisions

By: Sue Edmondson (personal statement collaborative)

Hi Jordan,

You’re a good writer, a huge plus, and have an excellent, easy to read yet sophisticated style. All those are sure to grab the attention of admissions folks. You’ve improved the essay, but it still needs work.

You open with a literal cliffhanger, and I see that you’re tied to the mountain climbing experience. The problem is that it doesn’t work with the essay — it just doesn’t fit in with the points you’re making about wanting to be a PA. I think it’s most apparent at the beginning and ends of the essay which are general philosophical statements. You’re straining to tie the climbing experience with your work/life experiences because you like it so much. (I understand — what a dramatic, scary, thrilling adventure). But if you are determined to open with the climbing experience, you need to rethink how you’ll make it work thematically. Right now, it’s like reading about an apple in one sentence, about broccoli in the next. It’s that disconnected.

Have a couple of friends or relatives read this part: “While in the uncomfortable embrace of disappointment and a climbing harness, I had no idea that this moment would set the foundation on which I would decide to become a Physician Assistant (PA). I thought to myself, If I can change a life, even just one, how many others will benefit as a result? Each decision we make has a ripple effect that changes not only our lives but also the lives of people around us,” and ask if they see how you get from the disappointment of leaving the mountain to wanting to change lives by becoming a PA.

The other issue is that you talk in depth about your wife’s experience but then say it wasn’t a light bulb moment, that you’d already decided to be a PA. That undermines the whole episode (which by the way, is too long, although I was relieved to learn she survived).

Skip generalities. They don’t help admissions folks know you, and that’s what they’re looking for. It’s tempting to philosophize, but this essay is not the place.

You are on track when you start to talk about your work experiences, and when you talk about how the PAs and doctors impacted your wife’s treatment. In those places you touch on why you want to be a PA. If you’re going to use your wife’s experience, focus more on the PA interactions and delete the beginning of the next paragraph. Otherwise, pick a patient that you treated and worked on with a PA.

Keep going. Writing is rewriting!

Sue Edmondson

Is your mom or dad really giving you honest feedback on your personal statement?

Parents are full of great advice, but when it comes to your personal statement family and friends don't make the best editorial team.

We offer a bit of free guidance to anyone who takes the time to submit their essay in the comments section of the blog. But your essay needs more than the sympathetic feedback provided by a friendly relative.

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Telephone consultations are included with all purchases above the single edit level. It's often hard to communicate exactly what you want hundreds of miles away; for this reason, we offer the option to edit right alongside us over the telephone while sharing in real-time over Google Docs.
We provide feedback, advice and help with brainstorming and topic creation.
We will help with a "final touch up" before the big day just in case your essay needs a bit of polish.

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Here is what one of our recent clients had to say:

I wanted to give a brief update: I have had 4 interviews, 2 acceptances, 1 wait-list, and waiting on one more. Right now I have a deposit down at Univ. of Texas Medical Branch. Thanks for all your help. It really did make a difference, and I was even complimented on my narrative during a few interviews.Andrew S. PA-S

We are currently accepting essays in all iterations. We have flexible pricing and can do everything from a single one-time edit to a full-service review that will take you from beginning to a finished product. Hurry, as we can only accept a few essays each month.

Click here to post your essay or learn more about our service.

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Cheers,

Stephen

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Kim says

October 24, 2015 at 8:49 pm

I plan to submit this on my CASPA form any feedback is appreciated.

Everyone has something in their life that opens their heart and mind to helping others. The desire and yearning to help others is an essential trait for a potential physician assistant. For me it was apparent with the introduction of fibromyalgia into my daily life. Fibromyalgia has become a rosebush in our family. There are many thorns and blossoms. Thorns we are sure to encounter and blossoms we intended to enjoy when they bloom.

I am determined not to let the thorns get in the way. During my career in healthcare insurance, while working a case that included a clinical study I saw symptoms that exemplified the same symptoms my husband was experiencing. During this time, I was able to attend a fibromyalgia seminar designed for clinicians. I learned of a doctor in our area who was studying this syndrome. I managed to get my husband in for an appointment with one of his associates. After many tests and ruling out other potential diagnosis, his diagnosis was fibromyalgia.

We were relieved to know what the problem was. This diagnosis came at an age ten years younger than his mother’s diagnosis for the same condition. A rheumatologist later diagnosed my daughter with fibromyalgia at the mere age of sixteen. This was at the height of her athletic ability and ten years younger than her father was diagnosised. Understanding the problem has allowed our family to stay away from the thorns in our rosebush and we can stay closer to the actual blossoms.

Understanding the underlying parts of the syndrome of pain and triggers for different symptoms allow us to stay closer to the actual roses in our rosebush. There currently is no cure for this syndrome. The treatments for each individual are different. We have cultivated treatments, which allow my husband and daughter to function a somewhat normal life. Just like a rose, the underlying thorns are there but we see more of leaves and smell the fragrance of the rose.

This chronic condition is a part of our family life. We believe the treatment will produce many roses in our rosebush. As a physician assistant, I believe it is possible to nurture our rosebuds to flourish and mitigate the presence of the thorns.

Comments

Kim says

October 24, 2015 at 8:49 pm

I plan to submit this on my CASPA form any feedback is appreciated.

Everyone has something in their life that opens their heart and mind to helping others. The desire and yearning to help others is an essential trait for a potential physician assistant. For me it was apparent with the introduction of fibromyalgia into my daily life. Fibromyalgia has become a rosebush in our family. There are many thorns and blossoms. Thorns we are sure to encounter and blossoms we intended to enjoy when they bloom.

I am determined not to let the thorns get in the way. During my career in healthcare insurance, while working a case that included a clinical study I saw symptoms that exemplified the same symptoms my husband was experiencing. During this time, I was able to attend a fibromyalgia seminar designed for clinicians. I learned of a doctor in our area who was studying this syndrome. I managed to get my husband in for an appointment with one of his associates. After many tests and ruling out other potential diagnosis, his diagnosis was fibromyalgia.

We were relieved to know what the problem was. This diagnosis came at an age ten years younger than his mother’s diagnosis for the same condition. A rheumatologist later diagnosed my daughter with fibromyalgia at the mere age of sixteen. This was at the height of her athletic ability and ten years younger than her father was diagnosised. Understanding the problem has allowed our family to stay away from the thorns in our rosebush and we can stay closer to the actual blossoms.

Understanding the underlying parts of the syndrome of pain and triggers for different symptoms allow us to stay closer to the actual roses in our rosebush. There currently is no cure for this syndrome. The treatments for each individual are different. We have cultivated treatments, which allow my husband and daughter to function a somewhat normal life. Just like a rose, the underlying thorns are there but we see more of leaves and smell the fragrance of the rose.

This chronic condition is a part of our family life. We believe the treatment will produce many roses in our rosebush. As a physician assistant, I believe it is possible to nurture our rosebuds to flourish and mitigate the presence of the thorns.