In this sixth installment of our special week-long personal statement workshop, we continue to pull essays submitted from the comments section through our free essay submission process and provide you, and our users, with a more detailed analysis of their essays.
This sixth submission is by Lindsay. It starts with a story of her time spent in the ICU recovering from life-threatening multi-organ failure at the age of 19, her road to recovery under the care of a compassionate doctor, finding her passion in the operating room of an Orthopedic Trauma Surgeon and ultimately, her desire to become a Physician Assistant.
We will present you with her original essay and our suggestions.
As always, use this as a guide to see where you can improve your own writing, and respect the work of others. It should go without saying this is not your essay, so don’t plagiarize.
Suggestions and Revisions
By: Sue Edmondson (personal statement collaborative)
This is an excellent start to your personal statement. Your descriptions are vivid — I can picture you perfectly in the ICU, and that’s exactly what you want your readers to do.
In the third paragraph you lose your focus. The goal is to let Admissions Directors and faculty why you want to be a PA. When I read this, I saw no connection between your interactions with Dr. Stepke and wanting to be a PA other than he showed unwavering support. Why did your relationship with the doctor make you want to be a PA? You never say and you need to. Why not be a doctor instead? Compassion and support are a small part of a PA’s job. You could omit most of that paragraph and just use the following:
In your paragraph about Laura (which overall was excellent) omit the references to Dr. Stepke. You don’t need them. This sentence would then read:
Leave this sentence out completely: “In my time with her, I did my best to provide her with the empathy and compassion that I had once felt from Dr. Stepke.” It’s redundant for one.
Use the extra space to reinforce why you’ve chosen to pursue the PA profession as opposed to any other. Then you’ll be able to make your conclusion stronger. It’s weak as it stands now. Saying that you “felt” you wanted to be a PA isn’t compelling.
I hope this helps.
Best of luck.
Looking for help with your personal statement?
We offer a bit of free guidance to anyone who takes the time to submit their essay in the comments section of the blog. But your essay deserves more than just a quick spell check or a read through from a parent or relative.
For as little as $59 you can have:
- Personal guidance from our team of professional (unbiased) writers, with inside knowledge of the PA school personal statement. (We have personally interviewed 12 of the top PA school admissions directors from across the country.)
- Telephone consultations are included with all purchases above the single edit level. It's often hard to communicate exactly what you want hundreds of miles away; for this reason, we offer the option to edit right alongside us over the telephone while sharing in real-time over Google Docs.
- We provide feedback, advice and help with brainstorming and topic creation.
- We will help with a "final touch up" before the big day just in case your essay needs a bit of polish.
Here is what one of our recent clients had to say:
We are currently accepting essays in all iterations. We have flexible pricing and can do everything from a single one-time edit to a full-service review that will take you from beginning to a finished product. Hurry, as we can only accept a few essays each month.
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View all posts in this series
- How to Write the Perfect Physician Assistant School Application Essay
- The Physician Assistant Essay and Personal Statement Collaborative
- Do You Recognize These 7 Common Mistakes in Your Personal Statement?
- 7 Essays in 7 Days: PA Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 1, “A PA Changed My Life”
- PA Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 2, “I Want to Move Towards the Forefront of Patient Care”
- PA Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 3, “She Smiled, Said “Gracias!” and Gave me a Big Hug”
- PA Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 4, “I Have Gained so Much Experience by Working With Patients”
- PA Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 5, “Then Reach, my Son, and Lift Your People up With You”
- PA Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 6, “That First Day in Surgery was the First Day of the Rest of my Life”
- PA Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 7, “I Want to Take People From Dying to Living, I Want to Get Them Down From the Cliff.”
- Physician Assistant Personal Statement Workshop: “To say I was an accident-prone child is an understatement”
- 9 Simple Steps to Avoid Silly Spelling and Grammar Goofs in Your PA School Personel Statement
- 5 Tips to Get you Started on Your Personal Essay (and why you should do it now)
- How to Write Your Physician Assistant Personal Statement The Book!
- How to Write “Physician Assistant” The PA Grammar Guide
- 101 PA School Admissions Essays: The Book!
- 5 Things I’ve Learned Going Into My Fourth Physician Assistant Application Cycle
- 7 Tips for Addressing Shortcomings in Your PA School Personal Statement
- The #1 Mistake PRE-PAs Make on Their Personal Statement
- The Ultimate PA School Personal Statement Starter Kit
- The Ultimate Guide to CASPA Character and Space Limits