Physican Assistant Personal Statement Workshop: Essay 3

In this third installment of my special week-long introductory session of the personal statement workshop, we are pulling essays submitted from the comments section through our free essay submission process and providing you, and our users, with a more detailed analysis of their essays.

This third submission is by Gabe. It details his life growing up in a small town in Mexico, his time working with underserved communities and a particularly memorable patient encounter in a remote village of Guatemala that changed his life forever.

We will present you with the original essay and then our suggestions.

As always, use this as a guide to see where you can improve your own writing, and respect the work of others. It should go without saying this is not your work, so don’t plagiarize.

Essay 3: "She smiled, said “Gracias!”, and gave me a big hug."

By Gabe:

I was sitting on a confining wooden chair in a small hovel surrounded by nursing students conducting a home visit. In front of us was sitting Jane Doe, a 25 year old patient from the clinic where I volunteered in a remote village in Guatemala. She was explaining to us how she had contracted HIV and how difficult it was to be under medical treatment while supporting her two fatherless children. Then I asked her was if the people in her village knew about her disease: “They would curse me, humiliate my family, and kick us out of the neighborhood if they found out that I have AIDS!” she exclaimed in a Spanish with a Mayan accent. She told us that she had almost died two years before when she acquired tuberculosis and her worst fear was that one day she would be too sick to take care of her children and mother. We listened to her, educated her about the importance of adhering to her HIV medications, and prayed together for her well-being. We also helped her children with their homework and gave the family some donations we had collected. The following week, Jane brought her kids to the clinic because they were sick. Because of the low quality public health system in the town, they waited almost four hours to see the doctor and one hour to obtain their prescription. I was helping in the pharmacy and when I gave Jane the medications she smiled, said “Gracias!”, and gave me a big hug.

Growing up in a small town in Mexico, I experienced a similar healthcare system. Every time I was sick, I would have to spend hours at the clinic waiting for the doctor to see me for only a few minutes. The medicine prescribed was always a very painful penicillin injection for a wide range of illnesses, but mostly for common colds. If that was unavailable, then I would get an Ampicillin shot which would be even more painful that I was unable to walk for hours. That was when my idea of becoming a clinician emerged. I knew there were ill people around the world waiting a long time to see a doctor and I could do something about it. After meticulous research on different health care professions during my undergraduate studies, I found physician assistant (PA) to be the career for me. As a PA, I will be able to balance medicine practice and patient care reducing the time patients have to spend in the waiting room. Faster care means less pain and patients are inclined to come to their appointments and build strong bonds with their providers.

From my work and volunteer experiences, I learned that it is imperative to establish deep relationships with patients to gain their trust and provide the proper care. As a PA, I will create these bonds with my patients similarly to what I have observed in all the PAs who I have shadowed in different specialties. Jane is seen at her clinic in Guatemala frequently and I have constant communication with her doctor about Jane’s condition. I have also presented this case to doctors at The Institute of Human Virology (IHV) at University of Maryland, School of Medicine where I work as a clinical research coordinator and they will advise on Jane’s medical intervention if necessary. The IHV is an archetype of institutions dedicated to serve the needs of the medically underserved communities. Our patients also share their stories with me when they come to the clinic for their follow-up visits, and unlike Jane, they have learned to overcome the extant stigma in our country. More importantly, they have the medical and moral support of healthcare providers, partners, friends, families, and the community. Unfortunately, there are many people who are oblivious to having serious medical conditions and need treatment. I want to concentrate on serving these communities by providing diagnosis, treatment, and education.

My current job is very rewarding and I have the pleasure of working directly under the supervision physicians from whom I learn extensively. I interact with patients with various health conditions who often ask me for medical advice but I am unable to assist them any further. When I become a PA, I will have the training and confidence to provide more service to our society as a healthcare provider. I will also enjoy lifelong learning since there will always be new ways medicine can improve life. I strongly believe that my past personal, work, and academic experiences have prepared me for the rigorous PA education your institution offers. I am prepared to dedicate my life to being physician assistant.

Thank you very much!

Suggestions and Revisions

Hi Gabe,

You have an impressive resume and have chronicled it very well. You did an excellent job with just a couple of words — "confining wooden chair in a small hovel" of describing Jane Doe's living conditions.

Of course, I still have suggestions, including a couple of grammar/writing tips. First, when you include dialogue, preface it with a comma, not a colon. You don't need to explain that PA is the acronym for physician assistant.

Whenever you have the opportunity to use active verbs, take it. For example, here's a stronger way to write your opening two sentences:

"I sat on a confining wooden chair in a small hovel surrounded by nursing students conducting a home visit. We listened to Jane Doe, a 25-year old patient from the clinic where I volunteered in a remote village in Guatemala, explain how she had contracted HIV, and how difficult it was to support her two fatherless children while undergoing treatment."

You could leave out some details about your work with Jane and your childhood experiences to write more about your shadowing experiences. Omit the information about Jane's children entirely. It's wonderful that you helped them with their homework, but that information doesn't add anything here. As to their health care, when you talk about your own experiences as a child, you've made the point. It's like repeating a car chase scene in a movie. You don't need more than one. In fact, there are many places to cut or shorten sentences because you've made your point already. Read your essay carefully and be ruthless about taking out unnecessary words. There are many.

Your sentence starting with "After meticulous research" should be the start of a new paragraph. (I'm not sure if the formatting on the website changed your paragraphs, but they should be shorter rather than longer. Start a new one with "Jane is seen regularly," too). Then add more detail about why you want to be a PA as opposed to another field. Why not be an MD?

I love the way you tied your current job's limitations to your goal of becoming a PA. That's excellent.

You have a great start. All you need is a careful edit and a few additional sentences about your shadowing experiences to help your readers understand why the PA profession is for you.

Best of luck.

Sue Edmondson

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